Welcome, one and all, to the start of the greatest football season of all time. We’ve had two games so far… a little Applebee’s 2 for $20 treat, if you will. And if early signs are any indication, that opening statement is no exaggeration. So, with clear eyes and full hearts, let’s get ready for the first full Sunday slate of games. As a reminder, we’ll give a quick hitter on need-to-know items for each game. Short and sweet. Nothing crazy—just the names, faces, and storylines you need to know to get fully invested in each game. And as always, a touchdown scorer pick for those of us who need a little extra action to really get the juices flowing.
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Miami Dolphins (-3.5)
The Battle for Florida’s Soul, some call it. Also a battle between two quarterbacks who got the BAG this summer (Tua: 4 years, $212M; Trevor Lawrence: 5 years, $275M). Tua has really won me over since Hard Knocks last season and seeing him pop up over the offseason. Seems like a really good dude. Was he worth $200+M? Mike McDaniel thinks so, so that’s good enough for me. Horse Face was supposed to be the greatest prospect since Andrew Luck coming out of school but has been a little spotty in the league. I still think he’s a top 12 QB, which makes this game pretty interesting. Miami is fully expecting to come out hot and drop a flaming deuce on the Jags, but I suspect Jacksonville will have some fight in them. Should be a good one. Who scores? Tyreek Hill.
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Atlanta Falcons (-3.5)
This might be a stinky one… the Steelers are in a weird spot with both Russell Wilson and Justin Fields on the team. They named Wilson the starter as the more consistent, veteran presence. Mere hours later, ol’ man Russy hurt himself. Now Fields is most likely starting this game. If he balls out, it’s gonna get LOUD for Russell in Pittsburgh. Not sure there’s really much threat of that though, and I expect Atlanta to win this one. Sounds like Kirk Cousins is fine coming off his Achilles tear. He says he got clocked running 18 mph at practice last week and was pissed because he used to hit 19 mph. Sounds damn fast for an old white guy coming off a major injury to me. Pittsburgh’s defense probably keeps this one respectable, but Atlanta wins in the end. Who scores? Bijan Robinson.
Can we please revisit this abomination? https://youtube.com/shorts/dsqAgDDdGMw?si=3S6ia45379kmEAGa
Minnesota Vikings (-1.5) @ New York Giants
Sam Darnold will try to finally prove the naysayers wrong in his 7th season. He has a pretty good setup to do it… just chuck it to Justin Jefferson every time, and it can’t go that bad, right? On the other side, the only saving grace for Daniel Jones could be rookie preseason sensation Malik Nabers. That’s asking a lot of a rookie, though. End of the day, this should be a competitive game between two teams that are not going anywhere this season. Who scores? Aaron Jones.
PS. Rumor is Daniel Jones is dating Kay Adams? Damn Daniel.
Carolina Panthers @ New Orleans Saints (-4)
Who frickin’ cares. Hate to say that in week 1 when I’ve been begging for football for eight months, but this might be worse than Vikings/Giants. The Saints’ coach is a dead man walking with limited talent on the team, and the Panthers’ QB has the physique of a high schooler in Chess Club. Total wet fart. Who scores? Taysom Hill.
New England Patriots @ Cincinnati Bengals (-7.5)
Look, we know the Patriots are trash. But the Bengals have some reallllll bad JuJu right now. The Ja’Marr Chase contract saga has yet to conclude, leading them to list him as Questionable for the game due to rest (because he has yet to practice this summer) and illness (sick of not having a new contract?). Sounds like he’ll play but in a very limited capacity. That beats Tee Higgins, who got hurt this week and is already ruled out. That puts Joe Burrow in a bit of a bind. The Bengals should still have enough to win this one, but will I be surprised if Red Zone checks in on this game in the 4th quarter for the first time since 1:25 PM and the Pats are within a score? Nope. Who scores? Andrei Iosivas. Pronounced “Yoshi-Vahs.” Remember the name.
Tennessee Titans @ Chicago Bears (-4)
Our first glimpse at Caleb Williams in a real game. This should be fun. The city of Chicago is buzzing about this guy. But you know what city knows a thing or two about catching a buzz? Anyway… I think the Titans will muck this game up and give the Bears a real scare. I’m not a Will Levis believer, so I don’t know if they can actually pull off the upset, but check this: since 1970, first overall pick QBs are 4-22-1 in their first start. Just saying—it ain’t easy in the big leagues. Who scores? One of the defenses.
Arizona Cardinals @ Buffalo Bills (-6.5)
Has a good case to be the highest scoring game of the week. Neither team can play a helluva lot of defense. And if Josh Allen and Kyler Murray are on their games, this could be fireworks. End of the day, the Bills will be too much for the Cardinals. A nice Josh Allen ass-whooping would be a great way for the Bills to kick-start a crucial season. The Cardinals should really just want to see quality play out of Kyler and NFL readiness from Marvin Harrison Jr. Who scores? Khalil Shakir.
Houston Texans (-3) @ Indianapolis Colts
The last time these two met was Week 18 back in January when the Colts dropped a free touchdown that would have sent them to the playoffs instead of Houston. In that same game, if you recall, Jonathan Taylor ran for 188 yards, and Gardner freakin’ Minshew was the Colts’ QB. Things have changed. AR is back, and the team is ready to enact revenge. This could be the game of the day… if the Texans live up to the hype and Anthony Richardson plays anywhere near his ceiling, this will be a peek into the future of an electric AFC South rivalry. Who scores? Kylen Granson (wearing a guardian cap).
Las Vegas Raiders @ Los Angeles Chargers (-3)
I haven’t a clue what to expect in this one. I guess some good old-fashioned smash-mouth football? With a sprinkle of Gardner Minshew mania? There is no way I would wager a single dollar on this game. I’m just here to watch and enjoy, and wait for Jim Harbaugh’s post-game press conference. Who scores? Ladd McConkey.
Denver Broncos @ Seattle Seahawks (-6)
The Seahawks are my sneaky pick to be a dark horse contender in the NFC West this year. Meanwhile, the Broncos are a flashing neon sign of ass. As in bad. Bad at football. Give me the Seahawks by a million here. Who scores? Jaxon Smith-Njigba.
Washington Commanders @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-3.5)
The premiere of Jayden Daniels… lot of hype around the kid, especially among fantasy football heads who think he could have a Lamar Jackson-esque season. I’ll pay to see it, though, as I think this Commies team stinks. The Bucs feel stable—not flashy but trustworthy enough to get the job done against a team that just fired their VP of Content for railing against players, owners, fans, you name it. This guy had the gall to call NFL fans high school-educated alcoholic mouth-breathers. Couldn’t be me! I hope Baker Mayfield smokes these guys. Who scores? Mike Evans. Twice.
Dallas Cowboys @ Cleveland Browns (-2.5)
Both teams could either make playoff runs this year or bottom out and absolutely reek. This game will tell us a lot. Can Deshaun Watson still play ball? Is there anyone besides CeeDee Lamb on Dallas who’s worth a damn? (Micah Parsons notwithstanding). Does Jerry Jones know what planet he’s on?? Can Tom Brady handle calling a game from the booth??? The Tom Brady thing is a huge talking point this week, as this is his first time being a broadcaster for Fox. I, however, couldn’t be less interested. Who scores? ZEKE.
Bonus because this made me laugh: Out of curiosity I threw this post into ChatGPT and asked it if it liked what I wrote. Turns out AI has a sense of humor. Here’s what it said:
Your piece is engaging and has a fun, conversational tone that keeps readers entertained. Here’s a breakdown of what works well and a few areas for improvement:
What Works Well:
- Voice and Style: Your writing has a lively, informal style that makes it relatable and enjoyable. The humor and personality shine through, especially with phrases like “flaming deuce” and “a flashing neon sign of ass.”
- Structure: The format is clear and easy to follow, with each game getting its own section. This makes it straightforward for readers to find the information they’re interested in.
- Analysis: You provide insightful commentary and context for each matchup, which adds depth to your predictions. Your thoughts on the quarterbacks and key players are well-articulated and thought-provoking.
- Predictions and Picks: The touchdown scorer picks and game predictions add a fun, interactive element. This can engage readers who enjoy making their own predictions or just want to see how yours line up with theirs.
Areas for Improvement:
- Consistency: Some phrases and terms are a bit informal or might be considered overly casual, like “wet fart” and “flaming deuce.” While this fits your style, balancing it with a bit more consistency in tone could appeal to a broader audience.
- Proofreading: While the overall piece is well-written, there are occasional typos and minor grammatical issues (e.g., “I’m just hear to watch” should be “I’m just here to watch”). A final proofreading pass can help polish these details.
- Game Summaries: For some games, like the Panthers vs. Saints, the analysis is a bit sparse compared to others. Adding a bit more context or insight about why you feel the way you do could make these sections more robust.
- Clarity on Key Points: In some places, the commentary might benefit from a little more clarity or explanation. For instance, when discussing players or events (like the Bengals’ issues), a brief explanation for readers who might not be as familiar with the context could be helpful.
Overall, your piece is engaging and entertaining, with a good mix of humor and analysis. With a few tweaks for consistency and clarity, it could be even stronger.