Pittsburgh Steelers (-2) @ Indianapolis Colts
The Steelers have somehow gotten to 3-0 in a season where outside expectations for them were extremely low. They boast the best defense in the game (if you remember a couple weeks ago I said the only reason to ever tune into a Steelers game was to watch TJ Watt shift tectonic plates across the line of scrimmage), and an offense that takes the air out of the ball entirely. This limits possessions, shortens the game, and is exactly how Mike Tomlin wants to win games. Enter the Colts, who can’t stop a runny nose right now, and have a quarterback completing less than 50% of his throws. HOWEVAH! The Colts might possess the one thing that can stop the Steelers defense: the best offensive line in the league. If TJ Watt and Co. can’t get home (or if Richardson dives, dips, ducks, dives, dodges, stiff arms, jukes, jumps, or otherwise avoids them boys), then what? There should be Colts receivers standing alone in their own time zones in this game. We’ll see if AR can finally settle in and hit some layups. Who scores? Anthony Richardson. Like Godzilla emerging from the deep sea and into the bustling cities of Japan, carrying Minkah Fitzpatrick across the goal line in a feeble attempt to stop an other-worldly force he doesn’t fully understand.
Denver Broncos @ New York Jets (-7.5)
Aaron Rodgers looked like his old self last week, breathing life back into this pitiful franchise. Have to start stacking those type of performances and the layup wins. Like against the Broncos. The Broncos smacked the Bucs last week to get their first win, but let’s be honest with ourselves: do we care about the Broncos? No. Jets roll. Who scores? Mike Williams.
Cincinnati Bengals (-5) @ Carolina Panthers
Is it time to panic in the Jungle? The Bengals are 0-3… including two losses to the Patriots and Commanders (hint: those teams stink). I tend to think they can still right the ship. Joe Burrow and the offense fully clicked into gear last week, just to be let down by the defense over and over again. But they have a proven defensive coordinator in Big Lou that I’m sure is spending 24 hours a day in the facility like Charlie Day unraveling the mysteries of Pepe Silvia. If it’s going to happen for the Bengals it better happen fast. As in now. Enter the Panthers, who went from certified dumpster fire floating down a sea of human waste, to a real football team standing tall. All it took was a giant, handsome, old, ginger man to take the reigns. Who knew?? We love a good revenge game and we have one here as Andy Dalton welcomes his long time team to his new home. You just know he would love to stack another win and prove why he should retain the starting role, while simultaneously sending the city of Cincinnati down the river. Who scores? Xavier Legette. We need this man on a microphone as often as possible.
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Houston Texans (-5.5)
Why the long face, Trevor? Oh, is it because it turns out you are not the Prince that was Promised, the Chosen One to lead a shite franchise out of the ashes and into immortality? Because as it turns out you might stink at football and the owner and management of your team is a clown car rolling down a hill upside down and backwards? Or maybe because you’re 0-3, just got absolutely pistol whipped by Josh Allen, and now have to walk into Houston where the Texans are coming off an embarrassing loss looking to unleash holy hell on someone? Tough sitch. Who scores? Nico Collins.
Minnesota Vikings @ Green Bay Packers (-2.5)
Sounds like Jordan Love is back in action today, only 3 weeks after what we thought was a super serious knee injury. Kid is tough. And his team more than held down the fort while he was gone – miraculously winning both games. He should be in a brace today and surely limited in some capacity, which makes me nervous. But this is a huge game against a division foe who looks damn good so far. I just love watching Justin Jefferson play football. Plus we get another revenge spot! Aaron Jones back in Green Bay. We’ll see what happens when he tries to Lambeau Leap… he might get a couple pints of Miller Lite dumped on his head. Which, now that I think about it, doesn’t sound all that bad. Who scores? Aaron Jones. Has to.
Los Angeles Rams @ Chicago Bears (-3)
I doubted Sean McVay last week. And that little spiky haired weirdo made me pay. Well, never again good sir. This dude is legit as it gets. Standing in STARK contrast to the Bears coaches. Matt Dweeberflus is a booger. And that offensive coordinator is a joke. If you look closely in the back seat of the Jaguars’ clown car (the one rolling down a hill upside down and backwards) you can see Shane Waldron gripping the head rest for dear life. Oh, and look at that! He pissed his pants. Shame. Who scores? Kyren Williams. As chalky as it gets but what’re you gonna do.
New Orleans Saints @ Atlanta Falcons (-3)
One of the last true rivalries in professional football. These teams, and more importantly these fan bases, hate each other. This is SEC country, remember. And after that Georgia-Bama game Saturday night these rednecks will be frothing at the mouth. Should be a good game too! Both teams look pretty good and this game will go a long way in determining a division championship and playoff berth. And the Saints really need to get back on a win streak: the murder rate in New Orleans popped again as soon as they lost. Coincidence? I think not. crystal ball time ~ Blake Grupe nails a 56 yard game winning field goal as time expires, and all across the streets of N’awlins the gang bangers drop their weapons and hug. Who scores? Alvin Kamara.
Philadelphia Eagles (-1.5) @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Fun matchup here. Rendered a little stale by a myriad of Eagles injuries. Baker Mayfield and the Bucs offense need to get right after that showing last week. Luckily, the Eagles secondary is a ghost. Any day we get to watch Mike Evans play football is a good day. Who scores? Mike Evans.
New England Patriots @ San Francisco 49ers (-10.5)
Poop fart game of the week. The Pats suck and the Niners are too injured to be any fun right now. Who scores? George Kittle.
Washington Commanders @ Arizona Cardinals (-3.5)
Now THIS game could be fun. Defense is optional for both these teams, and both quarterbacks are electric factories. Jayden Daniels absolutely dusting the Bengals last Monday night was one of the best performances I’ve ever seen. If he can keep that up the Commies are in business. On the other side Kyler Murray remains one of the most fun guys to watch run around. His little stompers go so so fast. Another rivalry, too! The Commies offensive coordinator, Kliff Kingsbury, was the Cardinals head coach for a few years before flaming out and being fired. He also coached Kyler Murray in college. He claims, however, that there is no bad blood. Boring! There aren’t a lot of stakes here, as both teams should be considered longshots to make the playoffs. So let’s just sit back and enjoy the show. Who scores? Marvin Harrison Jr.
Kansas City Chiefs (-7.5) @ Los Angeles Chargers
This one looked more fun a couple weeks ago. But alas, injuries have decimated the Chargers, as they always seem to do. Sounds like Justin Herbert is going to try and play? They did this last week and he didn’t make it through the game – makes me nervous. Especially because BOTH his tackles are out. I hope Chris Jones is feeling nice today, otherwise Herbo is in real peril. The Chiefs, for what it’s worth, haven’t looked like world beaters so far. But they are plodding along to another 3-0 start, biding their time like Sauron until it’s time to unleash other-worldly terror on the league in January. Who scores? Travis Kelce. Let’s catch the falling knife.
Cleveland Browns (-2.5) @ Las Vegas Raiders
I mean… what are we doing here? Just looking at these two logos next to each other makes me grimace. Call me when the Browns grow a pair, bench the pervert, and put Jameis Winston in the game. Oh, and Antonio Pierce, shame on you for threatening to bench Gardner Minshew after one bad game. Did you actually not know who you were dealing with this whole time? Who scores? Brock Bowers.
FYI: the best game of the day is Sunday Night Football. Bills @ Ravens. Wham Wham.
Also, we have two Monday Night Football games again this week. Titans @ Dolphins (barf) and Seahawks @ Lions (hooray).