Los Angeles Chargers @ Pittsburgh Steelers (-2.5)
Now THIS is old-school football. The over/under for pass attempts in this game has to be about 40. Expect a lot of running; this game might be over by around 3:15 PM. The bummer is that Justin Herbert might miss due to an ankle sprain, which would lead to even MORE running. The best matchup here is between the coaches: Tomlin and Harbaugh. Both consistently get their guys to overperform and find ways to squeak out wins. I’m not saying this will be the most exciting game of modern football, but there’s a real tension and bravado here that intrigues me. Who scores? JK Dobbins. He’s found the end zone in each of the first two games, so let’s ride the hot hand.
Chicago Bears @ Indianapolis Colts (-1)
Caleb Williams and Anthony Richardson are two young QBs taking a lot of heat for their early-season play. But let’s take a step back and let these guys breathe! Here’s a crazy stat: the college football game between Utah and Oklahoma State this week featured a combined QB age of 49 years. The Colts/Bears matchup comes out to just 44 years. AR is the youngest QB in the league, and Caleb has played only 2 games. That being said, this could be a real ugly one—or it could be electric. Probably both. The Colts are boasting a historically bad run defense, while the Bears come in hot with a historically bad run offense. GROSS. What makes this more exciting is the smack talk from some Bears defensive players. Jaquan Brisker and Montez Sweat likened this matchup to playing a college offense. Anthony Richardson better get the diss track ready. Who scores? Jonathan Taylor. Please feed the man.
Houston Texans (-1.5) @ Minnesota Vikings
The Vikings have surprised us so far! The Sam Darnold seventh-year resurgence is here. It doesn’t hurt when the best receiver in football takes one 97 yards to the house. Coming off a win against the mighty 49ers, the Vikings should feel no fear welcoming the Texans to the Twin Cities. The Texans, to their credit, won’t be scared either; they feel like a legitimate threat in the AFC and have a top-five QB. Hard to argue with that. I’m a little surprised this line is only 1.5, which makes me think we’re in for a weird one. If the Vikings defense can keep playing well and get Stroud on his heels, back-to-back wins over real contenders could elevate the Vikings to a level nobody expected. Who scores? Aaron Jones. He’s good at football. Also, he’s trying to bring a variant of the Lambeau Leap to U.S. Bank Stadium, calling it the Bank Vault. LOCK IT UP.
New York Giants @ Cleveland Browns (-6.5)
Yeahhhhhhhh, this one can take a hike. Who scores? Amari Cooper. Somehow.
Philadelphia Eagles @ New Orleans Saints (-3)
This is crazy. The spread on this game a few weeks ago was Eagles -3. That’s flipped all the way to Saints -3. A 6-point swing in the NFL is massive, especially since a quarterback injury didn’t happen here. That just shows how good the Saints have looked through two weeks and how bad the Eagles have been. This whole Saints schtick really isn’t working for me, so screw it! I’m all in on Derek Carr. The dude is saving lives. Local New Orleans news reported this weekend that the city has gone 18 straight days without a murder—the longest streak since 2019! Who scores? Chris Olave.
Denver Broncos @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-6)
This could get real dark for the Broncos. Without wasting too much breath on them, let’s just say things are clenching early up there in Mile High. The Bucs, on the other hand, are feeling great! Baker Mayfield is playing as well as I’ve ever seen, and Chris Godwin and Mike Evans might be the best 1-2 receiver combo in the league. Their defense is doing just enough, holding the Lions to just 16 points last weekend. They can’t afford to lose focus and drop a silly one to the Broncos. I’m just looking forward to watching this offense hum. Who scores? Chris Godwin.
Green Bay Packers @ Tennessee Titans (-3)
Somehow, the Packers whooped the Colts last week without Jordan Love. Good coaching, I guess? Malik Willis didn’t really do anything. The Pack are playing mind games this week, reporting that Love is back practicing and could even play in this game. Doubtful. I love the idea of fading a bad backup quarterback in their second start, yet I hate the idea of backing a bad starter in Will Levis. Dude goes full Uncle Danny in pivotal moments. This is also a revenge game, as the Titans drafted Malik Willis a few years ago before quickly realizing he can’t play. I’ll take the Titans here in a gross one. Who scores? Tony Pollard. Icky.
Carolina Panthers @ Las Vegas Raiders (-6)
The Panthers benched Bryce Young this week. Ouch. Enter Andy Dalton: the Red Rifle. That’ll help! Right? RIGHT?? deep sigh These are dark days in Carolina. Maxx Crosby might just take Andy Dalton out to pasture. Who scores? Zamir White. Finally.
Miami Dolphins @ Seattle Seahawks (-4.5)
Oh, Tua. You poor poor man. While Tua sits in a dark room, the Dolphins trudge on with Skylar Thompson. He actually has some starting experience on this team (again, due to Tua’s cracked egg), and if Mike McDaniel is really the genius we all think he is, let’s see it! Freakin’ Matt LaFleur did it with freakin’ Malik Willis last week! There’s a good chance the Seahawks defense eats here. I think we might eventually see an offensive explosion from the Seahawks, and this could be it. Geno Smith 300-yard game incoming. Who scores? Jaxon Smith-Njigba. Jalen Ramsey should occupy DK Metcalf enough to let JSN cook the rest of the Dolphins defense.
San Francisco 49ers (-6.5) @ Los Angeles Rams
You know in Four Christmases when a dense fog rolls into San Francisco and Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon have to cancel their trip, leading to wild shenanigans, including an MMA showdown in grandpa’s living room, and culminating with a touching realization that family and togetherness is all that really matters?? That’s how Sean McVay feels this week when Kyle Shanahan shows up to his doorstep. Sans the touchy-feely stuff. The Rams are a walking infirmary at this point and have been caught with their pants down, while the Niners are coming off an embarrassing loss. Shanny should unload the clip here and demolish his division foe. Who scores? Kyle Juszczyk. Wanna get nuts? Let’s get nuts.
Detroit Lions (-3) @ Arizona Cardinals
Can you say “points”? Love, love, love this game. The Cardinals are proving to be a frisky little operation, with Kyler Murray playing out of his gourd so far. I love watching that little guy run around. The Lions disappointed last week, so you know Dan Campbell is going to want to kick some wholesale ass down in Phoenix. Who scores? I’ll go with Jahmyr Gibbs, but take your pick: Montgomery, Conner, ARSB, Marv Jr., LaPorta Potty, Jame-O, Kyler.
Baltimore Ravens (-1) @ Dallas Cowboys
A spicy one in Big D. Both teams came into the season with high hopes but aren’t looking so hot so far. The pressure in this one is palpable, as the losing team will have to take a long look in the mirror. It might be foolish, but something is telling me to trust Dak and the Boys. Either way, this should be close and fun. Who scores? Let’s go back to the well with Zeke.
Kansas City Chiefs (-3) @ Atlanta Falcons
Sunday Night Football! Both teams just barely squeaked out wins last week, both over teams that should be playoff contenders, which makes this matchup fun and pretty high stakes. Kirk Cousins looked a little better in his second game back from his Achilles tear, but the Chiefs’ defense is for real, and Chris Jones might barbecue poor Kirk. On paper, the Falcons have the horses (birds?) to hang with Kansas City, but it’s hard to see that actually playing out on the field when you remember Patrick Mahomes is on the other side. Travis Kelce hasn’t done shite this year; let’s see something there, Mr. Swift. Isaiah Pacheco is out for a while with a broken leg, giving room for Carson Steele to enter our lives. Dude has a pet gator. Who scores? Xavier Worthy. Fast turf down there in ATL. Let the fast guy be fast.
