Indianapolis Colts (-3) @ Green Bay Packers
I didn’t promise the Colts would be any good! I just said they’d be fun! And holy crap was Week 1 fun. Anthony Richardson proved why you cannot blink when the Colts have the ball, and the Colts defense showed us what happens when you can’t stop the run. Oh well. At least AR stayed healthy. The same can’t be said for Jordan Love’s Week 1 outing. Why we are playing NFL games in Brazil on third-world fields is beyond me. The Packers are rolling out Malik Willis at QB this week. The drop off between Love and Willis is nearly immeasurable. I’m stunned the Packers started the season with this as a backup plan. The Colts better take full advantage and steal a road win in a game that was penciled in for a loss just a few days ago. Things change fast in this league. Who scores? Anthony Richardson. Til the wheels fall off.
Las Vegas Raiders @ Baltimore Ravens (-9.5)
The margins are slim at the top. You might say a toenail separates the best teams in the biggest moments. The Ravens are going to take out their frustration on the Raiders this week. And poor Gardner is just going to have to take it. It would take a maxximum effort to even keep this thing respectable. Who scores? Zay Flowers.
New Orleans Saints @ Dallas Cowboys (-6.5)
Okay, New Orleans. You almost piqued my interest. Opening up an offensive deluge on that diluted Panthers team was pretty fun. Now let’s see how it looks against the Cowboys. Two weeks in a row and I’ll have to take a real look in the mirror. More likely: Dallas rolls. The Boys looked damn good last week and should build on that on their way to regular season dominance culminating in postseason sadness. Who scores? ZEKE. FEED HIM.
Los Angeles Chargers (-6.5) @ Carolina Panthers
The Panthers very quickly launched themselves into the spot previously held by the Saints as my most hated team. Honestly, they should have been there from the start. That game was just sad. Jim Harbaugh and the Chargers will not have mercy for this wounded animal. Who scores? Ladd McConkey. Dude has moves.
San Francisco 49ers (-6) @ Minnesota Vikings
The Niners seem to have picked up where they left off. They’re just too much for mere mortal teams (ie. not the Chiefs). Christian McCaffrey might miss this game too, but apparently it doesn’t matter? The Vikings looked fun and coherent. Justin Jefferson is still the man. But they don’t have the horses to contend with San Fran. Who scores? Brandon Aiyuk. Rusty in game 1, but they’ll feed him.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Detroit Lions (-7)
Rematch of last season’s Divisional round playoff matchup. The Lions barely snuck that one. And the Bucs looked good in Week 1! While the Lions stole one in overtime. 7 points feels like a lot… just a thought. This feels like a game that’s going to get wonky. Who scores? Sam LaPorta.
Seattle Seahawks (-3.5) @ New England Patriots
The freaking Patriots. They can’t even just be a normal bad team. They have to come into Week 1 and beat the Bengals in the jungle. Just disrespectful. Don’t be fooled, though, this team is actually bad. I promise. The Seahawks darn near blew it last week but I still think they’re good. Or at least okay. GIMME THE SEAHAWKS. Geno Smith does what Joe Burrow couldn’t and ends this Patriots party before it can really start. Who scores? DK Metcalf.
Cleveland Browns @ Jacksonsville Jaguars (-3)
This is gross. I mean truly a repulsive football game between two franchises that just cannot get out of their own way. The Jags should have won last week and simply pooped their pants. The Browns also browned their pants, but at least they did it from opening kickoff. DeShaun Watson just isn’t that guy anymore. We are dangerously close to ships being sailed on that hairbrained scheme. The Jags don’t have a smoking gun as to why they’re suddenly bad. It reminds me of a lovely vacation home. Say, in Jacksonville, FL. It looks beautiful from the outside. Beach front property. Nicely manicured landscaping. Updated kitchen and bathroom. But once you are in there a few minutes you notice a smell. A wet, moldy, mildewy, old smelly kind of smell. Bummer. What could have been! Who scores? Brian Thomas Jr. Let the rook cook.
New York Jets (-3.5) @ Tennessee Titans
Deep breath. The Jets made it through a game with no catastrophic injuries. I mean, they lost. But that’s ok for now. A loss this weekend is unacceptable, however. Luckily! They get the Titans. I told y’all I wasn’t a Will Levis believer. Armchair scouting tells me the Titans should run the ball 30 times in this game. Boring. Aaron Rodgers should chess-match his way through this one and win a low scoring battle. It’s good to have the goat back on our screens. Who scores? Breece Hall.
New York Giants @ Washington Commanders (-1.5)
This week’s pick for “I refuse to think about this dumpster fire matchup, I have better things to do with my life!” Who scores? Malik Nabers.
Los Angeles Rams @ Arizona Cardinals (-1.5)
Can someone explain why the Cardinals are favored in this game? I know they hung with the Bills for a bit but cmon that was preseason for Joshy. A couple reps in and the Bills went on a dominating stretch in the middle/end of that game. The Rams arguably should have won last week against the mighty Lions! Are we talking ourselves into a Cardinals home field advantage? Not in my lifetime. Matt Stafford and the fellas (sans Puka Nacua. Bummer. But manageable.) can pick their number in this one. Rams 38 – Cardinals 24. Who scores? Cooper Kupp. Also he catches 19 balls.
Cincinnati Bengals @ Kansas City Chiefs (-5.5)
Wowzer. This is the game. The Bengals need to come out with their hair on fire after the travesty they orchestrated last week. All the smack I talked about Joe Burrow being the Mahomes killer and he can’t even beat Jacoby Brissett. Maybe they flip the switch of all switches, but this is a brutal setup. Mahomes and Co. looked electric out of the gate and should treat this Bengals defense as a measly speed bump. It’ll be on Joe Burrow and Ja’Marr chase to quickly get back to peak form, cause the Chiefs are on a war path this year. Who scores? Rashee Rice.
Pittsburgh Steelers (-2.5) @ Denver Broncos
Really tempted to elect another “I refuse to think about this dumpster fire matchup, I have better things to do with my life!” But TJ Watt is must-watch. The Steelers are probably the only team who are more fun to watch on defense than offense. The Broncos are similarly un-fun on offense, without the defensive upside. Who scores? TJ WATT.
