Big one on deck today. We are done with bye weeks which means every single team plays each week from here on out. But that doesn’t mean we have to care! (looking at you, New Orleans)
1PM GAMES
Kansas City Chiefs (-4.5) @ Cleveland Browns
Perhaps the most overused meme on football internet right now is the Jessie Pinkman “He can’t keep getting away with this” in regards to the Chiefs, who squeaked another victory last week by doinking a field goal through the uprights. And surely they can’t keep getting away with this, right? Well, slim chance we get an answer this week, although if the Chiefs do happen to drop one to the lowly Brownies, that would be real smoke to this fire and the Chiefs would be on major upset alert come playoffs. Who scores? Isaiah Pacheco. Who really scores? Noah Gray. Don’t go crazy here, there should not be a lot of scoring.
Cincinnati Bengals (-5.5) @ Tennessee Titans
Sorry, Cincy, but this ship has sailed. DON’T CARE. Who scores? Ja’Marr Chase. Who really scores? Ja’Marr Chase twice. Pretty much the only thing the Bengals are playing for now is to get the Ja’Marr the triple crown (most receiving yards, catches, and touchdowns)
Baltimore Ravens (-16.5) @ New York Giants
HAHAHA WE ARE LAUGHING. 16 and a half points?? Come back to us, New York. Who scores? Lamar Jackson. He told us this week that his momma cussed him out for not running with the ball enough. If he knows what’s good for him he’ll heed that advice. Who really scores? Rasheen Ali.
Washington Commanders (-7.5) @ New Orleans Saints
Can we please just take a moment and look at this joker the Saints are trotting out at quarterback this week…
Who scores? Brian Robinson Jr. Who really scores? Chris Rodriguez Jr.
Miami Dolphins @ Houston Texans (-3)
This should be the best game of the 1 o’clock slate. The Dolphins absolutely need to win to have even the slightest playoff chance. And they’ve been more fun lately with Tua back in full swing. The Texans will be feeling a ton of heat if they lose and the Colts win… just saying…
Who scores? Nico Collins. Who really scores? Jaylen Waddle.
Dallas Cowboys @ Carolina Panthers (-3)
This might be my favorite game of the year. The effing PANTHERS are favorites over the COWBOYS. The Panthers have literally not been favored to win a game in over 2 YEARS. Things are BLEAK in Jerry World holy freaking crap I cannot get over it we are screaming with laughter I just want to watch the world burn. Who scores? Chuba Hubbard. Who really scores? KaVontae Turpin because football is dumb and the Cowboys probably win this game for no reason and convince themselves that everything is fine.
New York Jets (-3.5) @ Jacksonville Jaguars
i frew up in my mouth.
Who scores? Garret Wilson. Who really scores? Allen Lazard.
4PM GAMES
Indianapolis Colts @ Denver Broncos (-4.5)
Now we’re getting to the good stuff. This is a hugely pivotal game in the AFC playoff picture. With a win, both teams are looking at over a 50% chance to make it. A loss would be fatal for the Colts, and would put a lot of strain on the Broncos going into a tough next few games. Both teams are coming off their bye and should be well prepared to make this one a banger. Last time we saw the Broncos they got TORCHED by Jameis Winston for 500 yards and 4 TDs (although he threw 2 pick sixes). Josh Downs is coming back for the Colts and he should be running wide open all day. This game will come down to AR hitting his receivers, mixing in a run when necessary, and the Colts defense confusing this rookie phenom Bo Nix. FOR THE SHOE, BEAT THE BRONCOS, LET’S NIX THEM IN THEIR BIG FAT BO’S. Who scores? Anthony Richardson. UNTIL THE DAMN WHEELS COME OFF. Who really scores? Alec Pierce.
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Philadelphia Eagles (-5.5)
This game is awesome. The Eagles are the hottest team in the league right now riding a 9 game winning streak. And yet, there’s trouble in paradise? Last week, more or less unprovoked, AJ Brown decided to dump on his quarterback and say the issue with the Eagles right now is “passing.” Sounds like someone is being a little wee wah and wants to pad his stats. As for the Steelers, they sit at 10-3, but everyone is eyeballing them as potential frauds. A win over the Eagles here would firmly plant them in serious contender status. Who scores? AJ Brown. Feed the baby. Who really scores? Kenneth Gainwell.
Buffalo Bills @ Detroit Lions (-2.5)
Here it is, the belle of the ball. Super Bowl preview? Many people are saying. Last week the Bills played the highest scoring game of the year, losing 44-42 to the Rams. We could see a similar score today. There’s no way the Bills are stopping this Lions offense, which means Josh Allen is once again going to have to go Super Saiyan. He accounted for 6 touchdowns last week, and now he has Keon Coleman and Dalton Kincaid back… imagine how many he’ll score now! I’m not going to pick this game, I’m not going to bet this game, I just want to sit back and let the football wash over me. Who scores? Josh Allen. Who really scores? Jameson Williams.
New England Patriots @ Arizona Cardinals (-6)
fart noise. Nobody will be watching this game with all the other 4 o’clock games being so good. Who scores? James Connor. Who really scores? Trey McBride.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Los Angeles Chargers (-3)
The Bucs have a 1 game lead in their division, so creating a little more space between themselves and Atlanta is critical. The Chargers are fighting with the Broncos, Colts, and Dolphins for that last spot in the AFC playoffs. There’s weird injury reporting coming out of LA that makes me think Justin Herbert is playing through some pretty serious stuff. Ladd McConkey is not 100% either. That leaves the cupboard bare for the Chargers, but Herbo can never be written off and this should be a good scrap between him and Baker. Who scores? Mike Evans. Who really scores? Stone Smartt. How sick is that name?
