Guten Morgen! The final morning game of the season is in Germany and is… the worst game of the season. I fully encourage you to use this time to catch up on sleep, do some chores, go to church, anything but watch this game. Sending the Giants and Panthers to Germany might be the final piece of war reparations that Germany has been paying since 1945.
1PM GAMES
Buffalo Bills (-4) @ Indianapolis Colts
The Bills are starting to look like real Super Bowl contenders. Even though they barely squeaked by the Dolphins last week, they really haven’t shown much sign of slowing down. Josh Allen will have a field day against this Colts defense. Meanwhile, the Colts are sticking with old man Flacco. Because that worked out so well last week! This should be the matchup between Josh Allen and the heir apparent to the uber athletic, raw QB that takes the league by storm. But alas. It is Josh Allen versus the ghost of Stone Age Ponies Past.
Who scores? James Cook. Hell, he might replicate the stat line that JT had last time these two played.
Minnesota Vikings (-7) @ Jacksonville Jaguars
The Vikings had started to slip, losing two in a row after reeling off 5 straight to start the season. Lucky for them they got to play the Colts! Back on track. The Jags are still ass. I’m even starting to feel bad for making fun of the Horse Face Killa. Trevor Lawrence is hurt this week so in steps Mac Jones. Who?? Mac Jones.
Who scores? Justin Jefferson. Indubitably.
Denver Broncos @ Kansas City Chiefs (-7.5)
Here is a great example of why I can’t take mainstream sports media seriously. The Broncos won two in a row against the Saints and Panthers (remember we talked about them last week: ASS) and the talking heads on TV were tripping over themselves to crown Bo Nix and the Broncos defense as a legit threat and playoff team. Guess what happened when a real team came to town. Beatdown freakin city. More of the same this week. Carry on.
Who scores? Travis Kelce. I’m ready to be hurt again.
Atlanta Falcons (-3.5) @ New Orleans Saints
The Saints fired their coach this week. It was a long time coming, but a decision that surely won’t bare any fruit this season. Falcons roll on and strengthen their grip on the division.
Who scores? Kyle Pitts.
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Washington Commanders (-2.5)
Now we’re talkin’. Great matchup here between two surprise stories, and two teams clinging to narrow leads in their divisions. The Commies made a splash at the trade deadline by scooping cornerback Marshon Lattimore from the Saints. He’ll provide much needed help in the secondary. The Steelers similarly grabbed a piece from the Jets in wide receiver Mike Williams. He didn’t do much in New York but could maybe hook up with Russ Wilson for a long ball here or there. It’ll be interesting to see how Jayden Daniels handles having TJ Watt up his you know what all game. If he can slip and slide around the pocket and avoid getting crunched, this could turn into a really fun game.
Who scores? Najee Harris. Commies run D is about as sound as the doctrines written by their namesake.
San Francisco 49ers (-6.5) @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Guess who’s back? Back again. Christian’s back. Tell a friend.
Who scores? CMC. This is the start of the Niners run. Book it.
New England Patriots @ Chicago Bears (-6)
HAHAHAHA WE ARE LAUGHING. The Patriots suck and the Bears are downright pathetic.
Who scores? Rome Odunze. Give me some sort of bright spot in Chicago, rook.
4PM GAMES
Tennessee Titans @ Los Angeles Chargers (-7.5)
The Chargers have quietly been playing really good football. The defense is top tier, and Justin Hebert is absolutely cooking. They are firmly in the wild card race and could be a tough out in the playoffs. The Titans are not to be taken seriously in any way. Moving on!
Who scores? Quentin Johnston.
Philadelphia Eagles (-7) @ Dallas Cowboys
Speaking of two teams going in different directions… the Eagles stomping of the Cowboys here could be the final nail for a few folks in Dallas. Even though they won’t have Dak for a few weeks, the optics of continuing to get beaten down week after week will wear on Jerry Jones and the fan base. This is ugly. The Eagles on the other hand have found their groove and are looking nearly unstoppable. Saquon is so good, man.
Who scores? Saquon Barkley. x2.
New York Jets (-2) @ Arizona Cardinals
Alright, New York. Let’s see what you’ve got. Did they find something in that win on Halloween night against the Texans? If so, this is their last chance to go on a run and sneak into the playoffs. The Cardinals are no cake walk, though. They’ve become a spicy little nugget this season. When Kyler gets to running around he’s as hard to catch as anyone. Meep meep.
Who scores? Davante Adams. Time to start cooking, Tae.
