A beautiful week 5 slate kicks off Sunday morning in jolly ol’ London Town where the Vikings and Jets clash in a spicy one. The afternoon features a tasty 6:4 split between the 1PM and 4PM games. Our nightcap resides in the Steel City where the Cowboys ride into town looking for a nasty showdown. And Monday Night Football gives us Saints at Chiefs.
Reminder the spread listed for each game is the actual spread at time of writing, not a prediction
1PM Games:
Baltimore Ravens (-2.5) @ Cincinnati Bengals
Always a banger when these NFC North foes clash. The Bengals are having a disappointing start to the season but boast a top 3 offense that promises to excite and amaze. The Ravens are hot and cold. Losing to the Raiders then rolling the Bills. Lamar Jackson and Derrick Henry are proving to be an ornery duo that require maximum attention on every snap. If there was one game to watch this Sunday, it’s this one. Should be a lot of points. Should be close. Will be a couple fights. Let’s go. Who scores? Zay Flowers.
Cleveland Browns @ Washington Commanders (-3.5)
Borderline poop fart game… only salvaged by rookie sensation Jayden Daniels. The Commies are legit spicy all of a sudden and should give the Brownies all they can handle. Deshaun Watson actually played okay last week but the vibes in the Land are still dismal. If I were to power rank the teams I’d want to be a fan of right now the Browns are squarely in last place. GIVE. ME. JAMEIS. Who scores? Jerome Ford?
Carolina Panthers @ Chicago Bears (-4)
Not much intrigue here. Hard to believe the Bears could lay 4 points to anyone, but here we are. Who scores? DJ Moore.
Buffalo Bills @ Houston Texans (-1)
Really good game here. The Bills got embarrassed last week so should be coming into Houston firing. The Texans probably feel like their win over Jacksonville was too close for comfort so they’ll be sharp too. Josh Allen vs. CJ Stroud is about as good as you can get. Should be points out the wahoo. A real “team who has the ball last wins the game” type. There is a decent chance these two will face off again in the playoffs, so consider this a playoff sneak peak. The Texans are debuting a new jersey: the “H Town Blues”. Who scores? Josh Allen. He’s going to have to go Superman mode in this one as his teammates are falling like flies.
Indianapolis Colts @ Jacksonville Jaguars (-3)
An moveable force meets a stoppable object? The Jags are absolutely bottoming out this season, starting 0-4. The Colts have not won a game in Jacksonville since 2014. That’s 9 games in a row. This game should be stupid and sloppy. One of those where you get to the fourth quarter wondering if either team even wants to win the game. Sounds like Anthony Richardson is not going to play after getting hurt last week. Which means old man Joe Flacco is up. Remember, last year he came off the couch and led the Browns to the playoffs. And he looked alright coming off the bench last week. Dude can still chuck it. I actually think he will make the receivers look better – he won’t miss the freebies. No Jonathon Taylor either, which hurts. I’m just holding out hope that the Jags are actually as bad as they’ve shown so far. They are wearing throwback unis, which is scary. Who scores? Michael Pittman Jr. Saturday was his birthday.
Miami Dolphins (-1) @ New England Patriots
FOUND IT. Poop. Fart.
Who scores? Tyreek Hill. Although honestly, it’s probably more likely that neither team scores.
4PM Games:
Arizona Cardinals @ San Francisco 49ers (-7.5)
An absolutely beautiful spot for the Niners to roll up a number on a bad defense. Still no CMC, but the rest of the Niners brigade is healthy and ready to get back to that form we remember from last year. Purdy box score prediction: 25/32 for 289 yards and 3 touchdowns. The Cardinals should have enough juice on offense to force the Niners to stay pedal to the metal. Potential fireworks. Who scores? Deebo.
Las Vegas Raiders @ Denver Broncos (-3)
The most interesting part of this game is actually not on the field… Davante Adams continues to sit out with a hamstring/the wee wahs. He has now officially requested a trade, and by all accounts the Raiders are willing to oblige. He has also made it known that the Jets are his preferred destination, though if another team comes in with a better offer the Raiders should jump at it. As far as the players on the field… not much to write home about. Kind of like the Raiders as a small underdog here… feels like a game Maxx Crosby and Christian Wilkins harass Bo Nix up and down the field. Scratch that – just saw that the Broncos are wearing the Orange Crush uniforms. Best uniform matchup of the year incoming. Who scores? Alexander Mattison.
New York Giants @ Seattle Seahawks (-7)
Bad news for the Giants as rookie stud Malik Nabers is going to miss this one with a concussion. He was pretty much their only chance to keep this one close. The Seahawks offense should absolutely nuke here. DK METCALF IS GOING TO SCORE IN THIS GAME.
Green Bay Packers (-3) @ Los Angeles Rams
The poor Rams are a walking infirmary at this point. Just devastating. But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: never count out Sean McVay. As long as McVay is calling plays and Stafford is slinging the pill I will tune into Rams games. The Packers have a weird vibe coming into this one – they suspended Romeo Doubs, one of their top receivers, because he was pissy wissy about not getting the ball enough and skipped two practices this week. Get a grip! Who scores? Dontayvion Wicks. That’s fun to say.
