Welcome back to the good old days… training camps across the country have just wrapped up and NFL teams are gearing up for another football season. The Chiefs and Ravens kick us off in a few short days, so let’s get ready with some team previews.
AFC EAST
New England Patriots
The Pats are firmly in the running for the #1 overall pick in next year’s draft. This is basically full rebuild mode in New England. The first year without Bill Belichick was always going to be that way. Pats fans should want this year to be an unmitigated disaster, while seeing a glimmer of hope in rookie QB Drake Maye. Unfortunately for them, the defense is still sick and could win them a couple too many games. Spare yourself the trouble this year and don’t bother watching many Patriots games.
Miami Dolphins
The Fins should be very good again this year. They’re always live to drop a 50 burger any given week. And now they’ve paid Tua and locked him in, they still have Tyreek, Waddle, Achane, and the gang. Mike McDaniel is still going to be bamboozling defenses with his motions and sweeps. Unfortunately… the Dolphins are soft. Do I trust them to rack up a bunch of wins early in the season and be in playoff contention? Absolutely. Do I fully believe that when the weather turns and they have to play outdoors in Green Bay, Cleveland, and New York that they will fade away into the dark night? Absolutely.
New York Jets
We are running it back. After playing only 4 snaps last year before getting sniped in the Achilles, Aaron Rodgers is back in action. This roster is still loaded with weapons for Aaron and boasts a top 3 defense. The biggest critique people are hitting the Jets with is to hate on Rodgers, or claim the Jets are just a cursed franchise and will always find a way to screw it up. I think that’s lazy thinking. Either way, we’re all about to find out together because the Jets are on prime time a LOT this year.
Buffalo Bills
The prevailing take on the Bills this year is that they blew it. They missed their Super Bowl window. If they couldn’t do it last year or the year before they never will. That’s all fine and good… but you’ll find me in the bunker with Josh Allen any day of the week. Doubt him at your own peril. As far as I’m concerned, Josh Allen IS the Super Bowl window. “But they lost Stefon Diggs oh no oh no” DO NOT CARE. That dude is a poison pill. Josh will elevate the guys they have and everyone will be better off for it. Get this man in the playoffs and tell me every single team wouldn’t be terrified to play the Bills.
AFC NORTH
Pittsburgh Steelers
What in the world are the Steelers doing at quarterback? Russell Wilson and Justin Fields have been duking it out for the right to be the first guy benched. Riveting! Sounds like it’ll be Russ starting the season. Until he inevitably stinks up the joint and they put Fields in there, maybe skip the Steelers games.
Cleveland Browns
The Brownies… may have made a terrible terrible mistake. If Deshaun Watson doesn’t get back to being a top 10 quarterback that contract and decision making is going to look AWFULLY suspect. Their defense is devastatingly good. And they have really solid offensive weapons, especially if Chubb comes all the way back. So it all rests on Watson to put it together. He had serious shoulder surgery that we don’t have a lot of detail on… and reports out of training camp were mixed at best. Until he shows something in a real game I have to assume he’s either hurt, washed, or just doesn’t care enough. Which is going to plop the Browns smack in the middle of the league with no playoff success and uninspiring draft picks. (PS. If Jameis Winston winds up playing this instantly becomes a 10x more exciting team, the man is an electric factory).
Cincinnati Bengals
He’s baaaaaack. Joe Burrow is back and he’s blonde. Mixed reviews on the hair… I get it. But he’s Joe Shiesty, we have to let him do his thing. On the field, he’s the Mahomes Mercenary. He’s the only guy who’s proven on multiple occasions he can step up and put down Mahomes and the Chiefs. All signs point to another epic showdown between the two. There are some under the radar bad vibes out of Bengals camp, though. Ja’Marr Chase has not practiced and is holding out for a new contract. Clock’s ticking on that one, fellas! Surely it will get worked out – but there is a real possibility he misses games. That shouldn’t be enough to really hamper the Bengals though, and they’ll be firmly in the Super Bowl mix.
Baltimore Ravens
The AFC North is going to be a dog fight. Top to bottom the best division of defenses, and they will be beating up on each other all season. But you’re always going to like your chances with Lamar Jackson. Now add Derrick Henry to the mix… hoo boy. If they can stay healthy til December and play smash mouth ball in the cold this will be a nightmare. Their defensive coordinator left for a head coaching job in Seattle but they have the talent to remain top tier, meaning it will fall on Lamar, King Henry, and a lackluster set of receivers to keep this thing going. Tune back in after Thanksgiving… but something smells like another disappointing finish to the season in Baltimore.
AFC SOUTH
Tennessee Titans
Remind me again why the Titans fired Mike Vrabel? A travesty. It sounds like people are talking themselves into Will Levis? And the Titans are signaling that they think they can compete: they’ve spent a ton of money and brought in a boatload of guys. I’m shaking in my boots.
Jacksonville Jaguars
Well well well. If it isn’t ol’ Horse Face himself. For those unacquainted: Jaguars quarterback Trevor Lawrence looks like a mix between a horse, a soccer mom, and Elrond. Anyway… the Jags are a weird case. Came out on super hot fire last year only to suffer one of the worst collapses ever and miss the playoffs. Lawrence was pretty banged up for much of that stretch, and nobody else stepped up to help right the ship. These guys could be a wildcard this season and get back to winning ways. Or stay a middling, sad, inconsequential franchise.
Indianapolis Colts
The Colts season hinges almost entirely on the health and effectiveness of Anthony Richardson. We saw it in brief spurts last year: the man is freakish. I have complete belief in Shane Steichen’s ability to harness Richardson’s powers and rocket ship the Colts to the moon and galaxies beyond. He’ll have to do it with an anchor tied around his ankles, because the secondary is woeful. I do believe they have the defensive rookie of the year in Laiatu Latu, though. If nothing else, the Colts will be fun this year.
Houston Texans
HYPE TRAIN ALERT. Find me a football prognosticator that doesn’t think the Texans are a sneaky Super Bowl contender. The excitement surrounding this team is truly deafening. And I get it – Stroud was totally electric in the back half of last season. They added Joe Mixon (old) and Stefon Diggs (toxic) and Danielle Hunter (okay he’s actually nice). Maybe I’m just being a hater, but I’ll have to see them recreate that magic before I believe it this year. If Stroud really is that dude, then we are in for some really fun games in the AFC coming down the stretch this year. New jerseys, too.
AFC WEST
Denver Broncos
We are in full Sean Payton season now in Mile High. Russell Wilson hit the bricks and Payton is beginning to craft the team in his vision. That takes time, though. And even if he is truly an all-time coach there just isn’t the talent here to do anything.
Las Vegas Raiders
Look up “The Autumn Wind” narrated by John Facenda. Thank me later.
Los Angeles Chargers
The Super Chargers! They got Jim Harbaugh back in the League. Coming off the National Championship at Michigan, Jimmy is making his triumphant return to the NFL. And thank goodness. The man is a walking quote factory. Please do yourself a favor and spend a little bit of time finding some Harbaugh nuggets. The Chargers will be an interesting case this year… the team is devoid of talent except for the quarterback. But they have a coach who has a serious track record of winning everywhere he goes. Stay tuned.
Kansas City Chiefs
Brace yourself for the trope of the season: no team has ever won 3 Super Bowls in a row. The Chiefs are pretty well poised to make another run at it, though. We’ll see if Travis Kelce can still play the guitar. Rashee Rice has a serious legal situation pending. And Xavier Worthy is one hit-stick away from certain doom. But you have Mahomie and the Kool Aid Man, so it’s all gonna be okay.
NFC EAST
New York Giants
The G Men might just find themselves in a race to the bottom of the league. If Daniel Jones can’t get it together this already bad roster will become completely untenable. Save for a couple bright spots that will be fun to watch: the defensive line is very good; and rookie wide receiver Malik Nabers is a high voltage shock to the system. The Giants are so excited about this dude they unretired the #1 for him. There hasn’t been a #1 worn for the Giants since 1935, and it was the first instance of a number being retired in NFL history. That’s quite the honor.
Washington Commanders
The Commies. Substantially more exciting with rookie quarterback and reigning Heisman trophy winner Jayden Daniels. But still an afterthought. There is much work to be done before Washington is a contender.
Dallas Cowboys
Clock’s tickin’ Jer Bear! What the hell are we doing in Dallas? For someone so open about their inevitable demise you would think Jerry Jones would act with a little more urgency to get the Super Bowl he so desperately wants. His coach and quarterback are essentially lame ducks in the last year of their contracts. This could get bad – and quick. Don’t be surprised to see Dak Prescott in a new city next year.
Philadelphia Eagles
Massive wildcard in the NFL this year. The Eagles came out scorching hot last season (starting 10-1) only to melt down in near impossible fashion. Things got real bad real fast. Culminating in a first round playoff loss to the poopy Buccaneers. Was that an aberration? Or signal that this team is deeply flawed? Is there beef between QB and coach? Will the entire thing crumble to the nether now that Jason Kelce is retired? Is Big Dom the straw that stirs the drink?? Questions abound.
NFC NORTH
Minnesota Vikings
Real bummer that rookie QB J.J. MCarthy is already hurt for the season. But that gives ol’ Sam Darnold another chance to prove something. Boy this could be bad. But coach Kevin O’Connell is legit. And Justin Jefferson is still the best receiver in football. So… maybe?
Chicago Bears
DAAAA BEARS. Hype team #2 behind Houston? Boasting the #1 and #9 overall picks from the draft, along with some stud veterans on both offense and defense, the Bears have a lot of people excited. And it is exciting! The league is more fun if the Bears are good. We’ll see if Caleb Williams’ talent can outshine his quirks. And if dweeby Matt Eberflus’ makeover can mask his shortcomings as a head coach. I will be watching the Bears very closely.
Green Bay Packers
Yet ANOTHER massively overhyped team. Jordan Love played half a season of great football last year. And maybe he really is great, but let’s see it again, pal. I see this as a boom or bust team. If Love is legit and they stay healthy – this is a real contender. If Love falters or there’s a couple key injuries – this could be a real poo fest.
Detroit Lions
The Fighting Dan Campbell’s are laying pretty low this summer. Nothing flashy, nothing sexy. Just how they want it. Tread carefully, and watch your kneecaps.
NFC SOUTH
Carolina Panthers
Little man has a lot to prove in year 2. Bryce Young looked terrible last year, but the Panthers hope their new coach can get him on track. Unfortunately, the offensive line protecting him is very bad, and his weapons are just okay. On the bright side – the defense is only kind of bad. The Panthers should round out the bottom of the NFC South, and possibly the league, again this year.
New Orleans Saints
I still can’t bring myself to waste my breath on the Saints. They’re just lucky they get to play the Panthers twice.
*revised* I heard an interview with Derek Carr that made me want to root for him. So there, I said something nice about the Saints.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Bucs should be very middle of the road this year. The season Baker Mayfield and the offense had last year feels very flash in the pan… but maybe they’ll surprise me. Mike Evans is still one of the top receivers in the league and should absolutely clean up against this division. The Bucs could be a little feisty this year but don’t expect them to seriously contend for much. The best we can hope for is another fun Baker Mayfield year that culminates with them getting smashed in the first round of the playoffs.
Atlanta Falcons
The Falcons are….. up to something. I’m just not quite sure what the hell it is. Okay – so they sign Kirk Cousins to a massive contract, gambling that the aging vet will come back strong off a torn Achilles. I can buy that. I think Kirk is secretly a dog. And the offense is pretty well stacked and waiting for a QB to catapult them. The defense, however, is a major liability. No problem though, they have the 8th overall pick in the draft and will surely get the first defensive player off the board. NOPE. They drafted a 24 year old injury riddled quarterback. So now they’ve invested an absurd amount of capital into quarterback and opted not to spread some of that to the other side of the ball – it’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Now they aren’t even playing the rookie in the preseason, which theoretically are the exact snaps he should be banking to get ready for when it’s his turn to start. ANYWAY… They did actually improve their defense by trading for edge rusher Matthew Judon and signing safety Justin Simmons. Both very good players. On paper the Falcons should win this division and maybe even win a playoff game or two. I predict we are going to get some interesting stories out of this organization this year.
NFC WEST
Arizona Cardinals
The Cardinals are not real contenders this year. But they should be fun to watch. Their defense is atrocious and their offense is sneaky electric. If Kyler Murray can return to peak form he’s a top 5 most fun player to watch. And Marvin Harrison Jr. might be a real dude. And even if you don’t think so – don’t you dare tell his dad.
Los Angeles Rams
I’m always going to love watching Matt Stafford play quarterback. The Rams feel kind of fragile, but if they stay healthy they should sneak enough wins to be in the mix and be annoying to the good teams. I think when it’s all said and done the Rams will have played in 3 of the top 10 most exciting games of the season.
Seattle Seahawks
The first year in the post-Pete Carroll era. They brought in defensive whiz Mike MacDonald and could be a sneaky contender in the NFC. If the Niners slip at all the Seahawks could be right there to steal this thing. DK Metcalf is one of the most exciting players in all of football, and I have a sneaking suspicion he’s been in Geno Smith’s ear all summer. Can’t you just picture week 17… early January… DK Metcalf curb stomps a Rams safety across the goal line for a game winning touchdown in overtime to clinch a Wild Card spot and ESPN leads the morning with clips of him shit talking Sean McVay and the entire bench… “no team wants to see the Seahawks in the playoffs.”
San Francisco 49ers
High drama in San Fran this summer as Brandon Aiyuk and Trent Williams have demanded new contracts. Aiyuk’s standoff mercifully ended after much consternation in the media. Shocker. But Trent Williams feels like a real threat to sit games out. He’s a real jenga piece to this operation and it would not be good to miss him. He’ll be back eventually, though, and the Niners still have one of (the most?) stacked rosters in the league. Paired with one of (the best?) coaches and it feels only a matter of time before they take down a Lombardi.
