NFL Super Wildcard Weekend
Week 1 of the NFL playoffs is here! AKA Super Wildcard Weekend 🎆🎇🎉🥳🏈 2 games Saturday, 2 Sunday, 2 Monday. Remember the #1 seed from each conference is off this week waiting to see who they’ll play next week.
Cleveland Browns (-2) @ Houston Texans
Houston gets to host this game because they won their division. The Browns got in as a wildcard after winning 11 games this season. Let’s look at each team… The Browns are on their 5th starting QB of the season. Them boys were dropping like flies. They started with the egregiously overpaid and the much maligned Deshaun Watson – and wound up with Joe Flacco. Flacco was drafted by the Ravens in 2008 and played 11 season in Baltimore, where he won a Super Bowl MVP. He went to a couple teams after that, but midway through this season he was on the couch. The Browns called him up and old man Joe has been balling out for 5 games now. He’s just straight up slinging the ball with reckless abandon. He’s a wily old vet and has played enough playoff football he should be very comfortable even on the road here. On the other side, Houston has been riding their exceptional rookie QB CJ Stroud. The clear rookie of the year. But rookie quarterbacks tend to stumble in their first playoff game. The lights get brighter, the stakes get higher, and this poor fella has Myles Garrett trying to rip his limbs off.
Presumptive defensive player of the year, Myles Garrett. He decorates his house for Halloween with gravestones of all the quarterbacks he’s sacked. Once took a guys helmet off his head and hit him with it. Also writes poetry.
The Texans also have a defensive rookie of the year candidate, Will Anderson. There’s studs all over the place in this game. Should be fun. Watch for David Njoku to go bananaland. He’s the guy who fell into his fire pit earlier this year and burned his face off, but didn’t miss a game. Sicko.
Miami Dolphins @ Kansas City Chiefs (-4.5)
All the talk this year has been about how poopy the Chiefs look compared to the last few years. Well, other than the Taylor Swift chatter. Yet they somehow won their division for the 8th straight year. And Andy Reid wept for there were no more worlds left to conquer. Mahomes is still the best player in football and if he gets even a little help from Travis Kelce and a receiver or two, they could go on another run. But darn it if they haven’t looked bad lately. The Dolphins are limping into the playoffs after a crazy hot start to the season. Injuries abound and the offense just ain’t it lately. RIP Jaelan Phillips and that caboose – eh Gabby? This will be the first time Tyreek Hill comes back to Kansas City after they traded him, so I’m sure him and his harem of baby mommas are excited to make the trip. And his lovely wife of course. The real story here is the weather. We could get to -30 wind chill in Kansas City and make this sucker one of the coldest games in NFL history. The obvious assumption is the Miami boys can’t hang in the cold, but at -30 I’m not sure anyone can. At least Taylor will be toasty in her box.
The caption on this photo was “Taylor Swift compared to Yoko Ono as Chiefs lose again”
Also remember this game is on Peacock. So all those Swifties will have to cough up $5 to try and catch a glimpse of her.
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Buffalo Bills (-9)
The most lopsided spread of the week as nobody believes in Pittsburgh. In fact, most people would tell you they stink out loud. Doesn’t help they lost their best player and potential defensive player of the year in TJ Watt. The Bills are on an absolute heater after winning 5 in a row to snatch the division right from Miami’s flippers. Josh Allen in the playoffs is a badddddd man. Anything could happen when that dude starts trying to put the team on his back – good and bad. Bills Mafia will be out in full force… assuming they can get to the stadium. Weather reports are calling for 1-3 FEET of snow on Saturday and Sunday and winds up to 65 MILES AN HOUR. Read it and weep. The Bills are paying anyone who shows up $20/hour to shovel the stadium from Saturday night at 10pm all the way through the night into gametime at 1pm Sunday. God bless the Mafia. Last second update as of writing: the NY governor just announced the game will be moved to Monday at 4:30 because of the weather. Shoutout MLK.
Green Bay Packers @ Dallas Cowboys (-7)
Well, the Packers may have done it again. They went from the legendary Brett Favre, straight to the legendary Aaron Rodgers, and now the Jordan Love era begins. He’s caught fire in the back end of the season and looks like he might be a dude. They also have a strong group of receivers and a running back in Aaron Jones that makes me go dayyyyum every time he gets the ball. However. Their defense is Swiss cheese. It may as well be you, me, and Mr. McGee out there. Their defensive coordinator is a dead man walking. And Dak Prescott may be the one to finally send him to the big football field in the sky. Dak is humming this year and CeeDee Lamb is going to chop this secondary up. If the Packers offense can hang even a little bit, this game will be fireworks. The Cowboys have a long history of blowing it in the playoffs against lesser teams. So you better believe b-holes will be tight if this thing is close down the stretch. Not to mention, the Cowboys coach, Mike McCarthy, coached in Green Bay for 12 years and won a Super Bowl there. Heads will roll if the Packers pull it off in Dallas.
Los Angeles Rams @ Detroit Lions (-3)
This is my personal most anticipated game of the weekend. Let’s rap. This is the Lions first home playoff game since 1993. They had never won the NFC North division until this year. They have been a miserable, wretched, cursed franchise for decades. Even when they had borderline hall of fame quarterback Matt Stafford for 10 years, they could never piece it together. Well, Stafford got traded to the Rams a few years ago for Jared Goff. Stafford won a Super Bowl his FIRST SEASON with his new team. Detroit was stunned. Now they’re sitting there with tiny hands Jared Goff thinking they must truly be cursed. Enter Dan Campbell. This crazy SOB turned the franchise around in 3 years. He’s biting knee caps, he’s beating up dudes with one ass cheek and 3 toes, he’s guzzling coffee by the pot. But Detroit is winning! They win the division, they’re hosting a playoff game, Detroit is ecstatic! But hold the phone. Gut punch. It’s Matt Stafford coming to town. The absolute emotional blender that Lions fans are in this weekend is unprecedented. Two former starters that got swapped have never faced each other in the playoffs. Detroit has banned Stafford Lions jerseys… ticket prices are doubling the previous record prices. Anything could happen.
Philadelphia Eagles (-2.5) @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
As we’ve been tracking all year.. the Eagles might have the worst vibes in the entire league. And now AJ Brown is ruled out with a knee injury. And there’s rumors the coach will be fired if they lose this game. It’s bad news bears. But they do have a good roster and Jalen Hurts is as clutch as he is handsome. The Bucs won the worst division in football behind Baker Mayfield and Mike Evans. Baker is banged up bad but that little bastard will gut it out with a little help from his friend Mr. Zyn. The Eagles are ripe for the picking and we’ll see if the Bucs can pull it off. This is everyone’s favorite upset pick of the week. There’s still a lot of guys on the Bucs who won that Super Bowl with Tom Brady a few years ago, so they could be dangerous.
